How To Make Freaking Awesome Microwave Porridge

Every year, one morning close to the winter solstice, it takes me thirty minutes to drink an icy smoothie and suddenly I remember that I like porridge. It’s funny, if you asked me in mid-February if I even knew how to make oats I’d probably give you a blank look, but like an old, crinkled-up tissue in a jacket pocket, June brings things back to me. And each year I’m forced to recollect my porridge recipe.

This year I’m writing my recipe down to save myself some time in 2019, and maybe share some tips with you, internet. I’ve called this post “Freaking Awesome Microwave Porridge” because there is already heaps of search results for “Best Microwave Porridge” so I’m trying to market on an angle.

I make my oats in the microwave. You can make them on the stove, but then you have to clean a saucepan. This way you can eat them straight out of the bowl.

image 1733 from bradism.com

These are my ingredients. You can use steel cut or plain rolled oats. Garnish berries are option, but banana is essential.

The number one secret of Bradism Porridge - banana first. Mush it up like baby food in the base of the bowl.

image 1734 from bradism.com

Then, add one cup of oats, a tablespoon of cinnamon and mix it all through.

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Then, add a cup of water on the top and stir some more. Microwave this for 90 seconds on high, then add half a cup of milk and microwave another 90 seconds.

The porridge magic will start to happen. Depending on the moisture content of the banana, and the effect of entropy on how densely the oats stacked themselves in your measuring cup, you’ll need to stir and heat a few more times to get the consistency you need. For me that’s usually the following: 60 seconds, 60 seconds, 40 seconds, 40 seconds, 30 seconds, 30 seconds.

image 1738 from bradism.com

Use the brief intervals of molecule vibration to tidy your kitchen and assemble your lunch for the day, or prepare fresh berries for garnish.
Frozen berries also work. You can chuck these in on the second-to-last mix through and they will reach the same temperature and consistency of the oats by the time you eat them.

image 1737 from bradism.com

Fresh strawberries should not be microwaved. Lay them on the surface where the steaming oats will instantly gel-ify them. Add honey or maple syrup to taste.

I ate the above bowl at 7:30 AM for breakfast today, survived several hailstorms and did not need to eat again until after 3 PM. Freaking Awesome.


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The Day Before Winter

The day before winter. Cold start, but blue skies. Perfect walking weather. Vanessa and I set off not far south of Adelaide for the Marion Coastal Walk.

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The coastal walk is essentially Mount Lofty by the sea, a challenging ~10km return walk. But with more places to park, and a few less groups of dri-fit clothing models in the way. The trail goes up and down some serious sets of stairs. Unlike Lofty, there's no split between up and down, so your heart will be challenged all the way out and back.

image 1705 from bradism.com

We started our walk from Seacliff (in fact, we started it from the top of the infamous Seacliff Zig Zag Path, meaning one more slope to conquer on the way back). The walk goes through Hallet Cove Conservation Park where there is an amazing boardwalk circuit taking in the geological sights of past glaciers. Beyond that is Hallet Cove beach which has some new facilities including a public toilet that plays classical music while you lighten your load for the return trip.

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The Marion Coastal Walk is an awesome alternative to Mount Lofty Summit hike, beautiful on a clear day at this time of year, with views out into the gulf.

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The last day before winter was also Vanessa's birthday, and there were dog balloons.

Andechs

Visiting beer gardens in the city was definitely high on my list when visiting Munich, but an experience like Kloster Andechs was what I was really looking forward to. We woke up Monday to blue skies, fluffy white clouds. We caught the S-Bahn out of the city to a town called Herrsching on the lake Ammersee. (Or should that just be Ammer?)

There was a river that joined the lake at Herrsching. We followed it in the opposite direction, through gorgeous Bavarian forests up into the hills. It was a four kilometre hike through the trees to the peak of one of the hills, the location of Andechs.

image 1582 from bradism.com


The Kloster is a centuries old settlement, first established over a thousand years ago and most recently converted into a monastery in 1455. Sometime shortly after the abbey was built the monks started on the piggery, the brewery and the beer garden.
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It was sunny and warm on the long, wooden tables of the Andechs beer garden. I worked out self-service without any troubles. I ordered a litre of the special Dunkel, my day's pretzel, and half a Schweinshaxe (pork knuckle). All local. A sausage and fries were thrown in, all up less than 20 Euro. I was happy.
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After lunch we climbed to the top of the bell tower. It was a climb not made for tall people. The extra-strength beer helped convert the risk of head-smashing and falling into a thrill. From the top of the tower were panoramic views of the green countryside.
image 1585 from bradism.com


I wanted to thank the monks for making such delicious beer. I never saw any of them. Regardless, the day was kind of spiritual.

The Greatest Rapper in the world Christmas Special

Nigel could climb from the bottom to the top of his lighthouse in less than forty seconds.  There are 108 steps. Nigel checked the lamp every evening, which means this year he spent over eight hours climbing up and down almost 80,000 steps. These were the kind of things he thought about during the long nights as a lighthouse keeper.<br />
If there were problems during the night he might have to climb stairs even more, but this year he didn't have a single problem with the light. He was very good at warning ships about the shore.

Nigel could climb from the bottom to the top of his lighthouse in less than forty seconds. There are 108 steps. Nigel checked the lamp every evening, which means this year he spent over eight hours climbing up and down almost 80,000 steps. These were the kind of things he thought about during the long nights as a lighthouse keeper.
If there were problems during the night he might have to climb stairs even more, but this year he didn't have a single problem with the light. He was very good at warning ships about the shore.


As the end of the year approached and the daylight lingered longer, Nigel had more time to himself. He thought about his career choices, and his future, and he realised that this couldn't be his whole life. He called up his supervisor and told him, "I won't be working for the rest of December."<br />
His supervisor said, "Nigel, what do you think you're doing?"

As the end of the year approached and the daylight lingered longer, Nigel had more time to himself. He thought about his career choices, and his future, and he realised that this couldn't be his whole life. He called up his supervisor and told him, "I won't be working for the rest of December."
His supervisor said, "Nigel, what do you think you're doing?"


Nigel said, "I am going to write the greatest Christmas rap album in the world."

Nigel said, "I am going to write the greatest Christmas rap album in the world."


Nigel climbed down the 108 steps and found Kelly in the kitchen. He told her that he wanted to try rapping again, and this time it would be a Christmas album.<br />
Kelly loved the idea, because Kelly loved Christmas.

Nigel climbed down the 108 steps and found Kelly in the kitchen. He told her that he wanted to try rapping again, and this time it would be a Christmas album.
Kelly loved the idea, because Kelly loved Christmas.


Before Nigel started writing raps, he and Kelly sat down to work out what was currently the greatest Christmas rap album in the world, to define the metrics that he would need to beat. They made a summary of all the past hip-hop and RnB Christmas albums and ranked them in categories.

Before Nigel started writing raps, he and Kelly sat down to work out what was currently the greatest Christmas rap album in the world, to define the metrics that he would need to beat. They made a summary of all the past hip-hop and RnB Christmas albums and ranked them in categories.


Run DMC's <i>Christmas in Hollis</i> is the most well known Christmas rap, appearing in 21 different holiday movies and Christmas specials since 1987.

Run DMC's <i>Christmas in Hollis</i> is the most well known Christmas rap, appearing in 21 different holiday movies and Christmas specials since 1987.


<i>Eight Days of Christmas</i>, by Destiny's Child, has the highest Billboard Chart ranking, peaking at 34 in 2001.

<i>Eight Days of Christmas</i>, by Destiny's Child, has the highest Billboard Chart ranking, peaking at 34 in 2001.


Cee Lo Green's Christmas album <i>Magic Moment</i> holds the records for most iTunes downloads of a Christmas rap album.

Cee Lo Green's Christmas album <i>Magic Moment</i> holds the records for most iTunes downloads of a Christmas rap album.


Snoop Dogg's <i>Christmas in Tha Dogg House</i> contained the most original material released on a single Christmas rap album. Along with the most mentions of Santa Claus.

Snoop Dogg's <i>Christmas in Tha Dogg House</i> contained the most original material released on a single Christmas rap album. Along with the most mentions of Santa Claus.


If Nigel could surpass these factors: writing the most original, highest charting, most downloaded, most revered Christmas album of all time then he could surely lay claim to creating the world's greatest Christmas rap album.<br />
Nigel got straight to work writing Christmas rhymes and posting them as downloads on his MySpace page.

If Nigel could surpass these factors: writing the most original, highest charting, most downloaded, most revered Christmas album of all time then he could surely lay claim to creating the world's greatest Christmas rap album.
Nigel got straight to work writing Christmas rhymes and posting them as downloads on his MySpace page.


He wrote a rap called "The Greatest Wrapper in the World." It was about perfectly gift-wrapping a series of more and more complex objects. He and Kelly even made a video for it.

He wrote a rap called "The Greatest Wrapper in the World." It was about perfectly gift-wrapping a series of more and more complex objects. He and Kelly even made a video for it.


The song received zero downloads. It took them days to create the video and no-one who watched it even commented.

The song received zero downloads. It took them days to create the video and no-one who watched it even commented.


In one rap Nigel mentioned Santa over a hundred times. The very next day indie-rapper Busdriver, one of the fastest rappers in the world, released his song "One Billion Santas."<br />
His track wasn't even really Christmas related, it was actually a metaphor for American middle-class behaviour in the years following a recession. Regardless, it received 10,000 comments in less than a week. That was 10,000 more than MC Nigel's song.

In one rap Nigel mentioned Santa over a hundred times. The very next day indie-rapper Busdriver, one of the fastest rappers in the world, released his song "One Billion Santas."
His track wasn't even really Christmas related, it was actually a metaphor for American middle-class behaviour in the years following a recession. Regardless, it received 10,000 comments in less than a week. That was 10,000 more than MC Nigel's song.


Kelly and Nigel organised "Hip-Hop by Candlelight" to try out some of Nigel's new material. They distributed thousands of flyers.

Kelly and Nigel organised "Hip-Hop by Candlelight" to try out some of Nigel's new material. They distributed thousands of flyers.


On the night of the show the only person who showed up was True Drew, and he mocked Nigel  until the bar opened. The rest of the seats stared back at him, empty. Nigel felt like it was Christmas morning and he'd opened up a stocking full of coal.

On the night of the show the only person who showed up was True Drew, and he mocked Nigel until the bar opened. The rest of the seats stared back at him, empty. Nigel felt like it was Christmas morning and he'd opened up a stocking full of coal.


When Kelly and Nigel arrived back at the lighthouse he told her he was giving up on writing the greatest Christmas rap album. She protested, but he knew there was no point, he would never be able to write the greatest Christmas rap album in the world.

When Kelly and Nigel arrived back at the lighthouse he told her he was giving up on writing the greatest Christmas rap album. She protested, but he knew there was no point, he would never be able to write the greatest Christmas rap album in the world.


They went to bed, but Kelly couldn't sleep. She went to the window and stared out of it for no real reason. As Nigel snored lightly she made a wish. She wished that he would write the world's greatest Christmas album ever.

They went to bed, but Kelly couldn't sleep. She went to the window and stared out of it for no real reason. As Nigel snored lightly she made a wish. She wished that he would write the world's greatest Christmas album ever.


At that same exact moment the first snowflake of summer appeared in the sky.

At that same exact moment the first snowflake of summer appeared in the sky.


And as Nigel slept, he dreamed. Santa appeared to him. Santa told Nigel not to give up.<br />
"MC Nigel, you have been a good boy all year," he said. "For Christmas I will give to you what you desire. All you must to do is remember the real meaning of Christmas, then you will have the world's greatest Christmas rap album."

And as Nigel slept, he dreamed. Santa appeared to him. Santa told Nigel not to give up.
"MC Nigel, you have been a good boy all year," he said. "For Christmas I will give to you what you desire. All you must to do is remember the real meaning of Christmas, then you will have the world's greatest Christmas rap album."


"The real meaning," Nigel asked. "Jesus?"<br />
"No No," said Santa, "although... he might be able to produce an epic beat for you."<br />
"What then?"<br />
"You must work it out!"

"The real meaning," Nigel asked. "Jesus?"
"No No," said Santa, "although... he might be able to produce an epic beat for you."
"What then?"
"You must work it out!"


Then Nigel woke. Kelly was still staring out the window. He told her, "I know how to make the greatest Christmas album."<br />
"How?" she asked.<br />
He didn't answer, he rushed downstairs to write.

Then Nigel woke. Kelly was still staring out the window. He told her, "I know how to make the greatest Christmas album."
"How?" she asked.
He didn't answer, he rushed downstairs to write.


There was less than two weeks until Christmas. For twelve nights Nigel worked on his album. By Christmas Eve there was only one rap left to write, but he was stuck. He realised he couldn't do it alone. The rap was called "White Christmas" and many other Australian rappers had come together to help him create it. There was no killer verse though, no stand-out stanza. Nigel thought back to what Santa had said, and he knew the solution.

There was less than two weeks until Christmas. For twelve nights Nigel worked on his album. By Christmas Eve there was only one rap left to write, but he was stuck. He realised he couldn't do it alone. The rap was called "White Christmas" and many other Australian rappers had come together to help him create it. There was no killer verse though, no stand-out stanza. Nigel thought back to what Santa had said, and he knew the solution.


Nigel went to the park and found True Drew sleeping on a bench.<br />
"Are you awake?" he said.<br />
Drew grumbled a slosh of syllables and whisky breath.<br />
"True Drew," Nigel asked, "with your nose so bright. Won't you lead my rap tonight?"

Nigel went to the park and found True Drew sleeping on a bench.
"Are you awake?" he said.
Drew grumbled a slosh of syllables and whisky breath.
"True Drew," Nigel asked, "with your nose so bright. Won't you lead my rap tonight?"


True Drew dropped a verse on the spot, then along with Kelly, Santa and Nigel they ate turkey and celebrated Christmas. Santa told Nigel that, when every boy and girl woke up Christmas morning they would find a copy of his Christmas album in their stocking. And it would be the greatest Christmas rap album in the world.<br />
"And you know why?" Santa said.<br />
Nigel nodded.

True Drew dropped a verse on the spot, then along with Kelly, Santa and Nigel they ate turkey and celebrated Christmas. Santa told Nigel that, when every boy and girl woke up Christmas morning they would find a copy of his Christmas album in their stocking. And it would be the greatest Christmas rap album in the world.
"And you know why?" Santa said.
Nigel nodded.


Nigel said, "Because it is the Christmas rap album with the most Christmas Spirit."</p>
<p>THE END

Nigel said, "Because it is the Christmas rap album with the most Christmas Spirit."

THE END


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