New Years Eve Jokes

This year my new years resolution is to not make a new years resolution.
The first day back to work today for the suburbanites. I planned to get up, or more realistically stay awake until around 6am. At that time I was going to take a deck chair (probably the one I got for Christmas) and move to the nearby National Park to watch the fat people start their new years resolution jog attempts. It was a good plan, but it was ruined because I had to work and so I slept and didn't go. Also it seemed like the kind of idea that would be better exectuted with company. Maybe a good date idea. Not a first date or a second date, or a sixth date, but one of the other ones. It's always better to revel in other people's humilation with an intimate relation nearby.
Also I think that half the reason we have New Years Eve is so that people can make small talk about something other than "how are you" for a week after New Years Eve, and six weeks before it.

If you like Bradism, you'll probably enjoy my stories. It's my dream to be a famous author, and you can help support me by previewing one of my books from Amazon below, and purchasing it if you like it.

The woman with the fake tan stepped into my office, sat across from my desk and lit a cigarette.
At least, she would, sometime in the next 20 minutes. Smelling the future has advantages, but precision isn’t one of them.

Beard Loving

OK, I admit it, I can't grow a beard. I should have learnt from last summer when I stopped shaving a week before I went away camping so I could look rugged by the time I got back, and still came back with nothing. So I'm not going to try to grow a beard any more. However to mantain masculine manliness, and keep my chin looking defined and handsome, I will keep a fine showering of stubble. To maximise stubble effeciency for each day, I will shave before going to bed each night. This way I should have stubble when I wake each day, yet never have a beard. At least I hope so, I don't know if I can grow enough stubble overnight for authentic enough stubble. Eitherways, I'm off to shave.

In the Money

Today at work I discovered that someone was actually two different people when they were in the room twice at the same time. This is why I don't like day shifts, there are too many people that I do not know and there is too much social pressure, it's getting to me. Nevertheless, I am earning a lot of money and that is good. I calculated my petrol costs this year earlier today and discovered that I spent $~118 a month on petrol a month, bringing forth a grand total of $~1400. Fucking ouch indeed. I don't understand how Cowan was so poor before he got a car.
Tommorow is my last day shift, and today Dragan told me that I had to wear a white shirt tommorow because I haven't been wearing it on day shifts for about four months. I laughed because he finally forces me to for my last shift only, and it's actually a charity casual day at Woolworths tommorow. It's going to be funny, I'll be there wearing complete formal day uniform while everyone else is in casual clothes and they will be like "why?" and I will be like "Dragan :0(" and they will be like ">:o(" and I will like "yeah, I know" and then there will be 14 minutes of awkward silence because my break is for 15 minutes.

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Tsunami Jokes

I told my weiner-kid step brother today that, considering the circumstances in Phuket, it was innapropriate for him to be listening to Papa Roach's "Last Resort".
Then, I watched the cricket. And it was good to see that, after being smashed by a Tsunami, Asia was still able to get back on it's feet and make a cricket team that got smashed by the rest of the world cricket team. And it was a very good game, or at least, a very good first innings. Also it raised over $10,000,000. Which was splendid. I even donated $10. Which wasn't a great majority of the final amount raised, however, I also bought my iRiver today for $620, and that was made in Asia, so yeah!

Reading Stuff

Update - 5:30pm, still freeballing. I'm out there.
As usual it's time for my Day 50 Nostalgia Entry.

Day 49 Monday January 12th 2004
I squished a cockroach a few hours ago and despite lying on it's back with it's guts on the bench, it's still alive. I HOPE IT DIES.
Today I did the craziest thing, I spent three and a half hours knocking my bat in. Only, oh, 47 days after I bought it. Just in time for THE END OF SUMMER.

I admit it, last summer was pretty lax. I didn't acheive very much, but I did do a lot of things. More things than this summer anyway, but with less acheivements. Then again, that's the kind of person I am. I mean, I haven't even finished knocking my bat in yet. It does make a neat looking shelf ornament though. Also "JUST IN TIME FOR THE END OF SUMMER" is both capitalised and was written on day 49 of my 98 day break, ie., at the very midpoint. Who knows why but I did a lot of capitalisation in my entries this time last year.
I still don't like a lot of that journal last year, but then hey, what can I say when I'm in day 50 of what was supposed to be a temporary journal while I coded the real one. Time for my day 50 kick up the arse.
And speaking of journals, when is Sam going to put his back up online. Honestly, when I bother to think/care about it, it drives me crazy. I need to read it. The Internet needs it. I honestly don't understand how Sam can hope to get anywhere in life when he refuses to let the world know the answer to, effectively, "how are you doing?". I asked him how he ever planned to have sex if he couldn't even open himself up to other people enough to let them know how his day was. He couldn't answer though, mainly because from when I said 'sex' onwards he just started giggling uncontrollably.


Having a female boss is great.
Upon arriving at work I learnt that it was Mark's last night at work ever. I was dissapointed as he is a funny guy and also quite tall. Unfortunately, due to the short notice, I was unable to make Mark a goodbye card as a gift to him for leaving. However, whilst working I had the brainwave that I should make him a card out of some of the cardboard from the boxes. However, all the cardboard had stuff printed one one side or was too crappy. Then one particular box had nice, white, good cardboard on one side, but then bad cardboard on the outside. So, I decided I would get some sticky tape and double layer the cardboard so it was good cardboard on both sides.
So there I am, sticky-taping random bits of cardboard together as secretively as I can in my aisle and I see the manager walk past from the corner of my eye. So, I quickly drop the tape and card and rip open a package of hoses which I already decided earlier was too full to fill. Like a kids tv show she backtracks a few steps and comes down my aisle and the following conversation occurs:
Her: What are you doing with the sticky tape?
Brad: I... uh... fixing... hose... (looks at hose which is clearly not going on the shelf due to fullness) ... Making Mark a goodbye card because it's his last night.
Her: You shouldn't be doing that in nightfill time, even if it is a sweet idea.
And then Yes! She then said if I went back to filling then she would buy Mark a real goodbye card and I could get everyone to sign it, and then she bought it. But when I finished filling I finished off my card, and cut up bits of special tags to make hidden meanings ("you are [Special])". And then I got everyone to sign that one and I gave it to Mark and it was quite camp.
Also today marked the beginning of sales of Easter Eggs at Woolworths.

Destroying Brain Cells

Today I was horrible to my brain by first watching "Without a Paddle" and then following that by watching "You got Served". Two movies which are almost guaranteed to make you stupider. It was probably almost as damaging as what all the alcohol I drank at Craig's the night before did. Saturday night was good. sat around, drank, didn't get sloppy, went on a large walk. The highlight was probably when I saw Reagan walking down a street at night whilst in the back seat of a car and I shouted "REAGAN!"
Today I also enjoyed cooking choc-orange muffins with a very ad-libbed choc-orange muffin recipe. And they were quite very nice. Also Tim's Emo party got cancelled and that was dissapointing because I had such an awesome, awesome costume planned for it and that will be revealed later.

Holding some sort of Print

Today it was time for my annual 75% off boob calendar purchase. And I got a very good nipple, I mean calendar. It's called "Pumped Up Down Under". What it should be called is "Nipple pokes of 2005". Not quite as hilarious as my "Babes with Balls" calendar from last year, but this year I bought it 3 days later. I know this because I wrote down the date I bought my calendar on it last year.
Buying good boob calendars at this stage of the year is like getting a good car park, which in turn is like gambling. The further you go the luckier you can get, but the riskier it is. Last year Josh got a boob calendar but this year he got a skateboarding calendar. And then there was one...
At Marion today I also bought a present for Sam Marshall. What could it be?!


Here's a story I wrote to test how bigish stories would look on my awesome web page design.
Why I don't Believe in Love
I think it looks pretty good.


There haven't been many updates recently so here's what's going down.
I've basically been doing regular, mundane things like getting haircuts, playing sports, hanging out with people at their houses etc. Nothing too interesting has occured and what has happened I haven't been motivated to turn into amusing prose. I'm working on the site regularly now and now that the skeleton is made I'm writing the php and setting up the database. I don't see any reason for me not to have everything up and running by the end of February.
However, as the site moves into a new gear and begins to showcase my writing and works, the journal will also evolve. It will be more about quality and less about quantity. So less about entries every day and more about insightful, better written paragraphs. I think this will be better. However it's not working that great for me right now because whenever I sit down to write stuff I usually spend the time writing code and setting up the site first. Content can come later.
However, I'll share my day with you for today at least. I know your lust for my daily transpirings can ne'er be satiated.
I woke up at 1pm thanks to my alarm. Recently the lateness of events has caused the end of my sleeping pattern to be pushed into the afternoon again. Once awake I read my PHP book for a little under the fan and then had breakfast at around 3pm. Then I went to Sam's where I sucked at pool. Also either side of work there was a game of 500. Sam and I, as "***Team Fabulous***" (it's hard to transcribe the decorative stars into this medium) beat out Chow and Cowan in team "Donkey Balls". I don't like their team name and I don't think it's very funny. The highlight of the game was when it was 460 all, Sam and I bid 9 no trumps after a bidding war, won the first 8 and then lost. Then they lost, and then we won. It was grande.
Work made up the more interesting portion of my day. It's Australia Day tommorow, and the store has little Australian flags strung up above the fridges and at the top of all the aisles. Also adding to the Australian Decour was the guy in the singlet, thongs and oppen stubby who was shopping with his young daughter.
Thus feeling patriotic, when asked if I could supply a ladder to take down the flags at the end of the night I offered to do the service in return for gaining fifty metres straight of Australian flags on a cable. This was allowed, and I spent about ten minutes pulling down all the flags and stockpiling them in my aisle.
However disaster struck when Glynn unpatriotically stole them all and tried to fit them in a tiny bin. This of course failed as no tiny bin could hold the sheer jingoism of fifty metres of Australian Pride. So I ignored them, only to find later that the checkout woman had began crushing them up and shoving them into a much larger bin which was capable of defusing national pride. So I rescued about five metres worth, and now plan on decorating my house with them for tommorow. My plans had earlier involved dressing up my entire car in Australian flags which could have been really beaut.
That's about the gist of today's work, except I also laughed at the fact that some tins of dog food have been special tagged with the "Back to School" promotion special tags. Also in the lunchroom noticeboard, in centre view as a trophy, there is a certificate proclaiming Woolworths exceptional safety record. It is signed by the local area manager, the regional area manager and the national area manager and it's gold trim sparkles under the fluro lights. The month that Woolworths Blackwood achieved a "0" safety incedents rating? November 2005.


I got back from Deep Creek today, after going there on Friday. It was quite good fun. I'll write more about it later.