Brad's Guide to Paying for Petrol like a Champ

After parking next to the bowser, close your eyes and feel for the pump. With eyes remaining shut, insert into fuel hole and hold down the handle. Do not ease grip until you hear the click.

Shield your eyes as you rehook the pump and then walk to the teller to pay.

Inform the teller of the number of your bowser and then immediately start chanting "la la la la la" loudly as they tell you the cost.

Pay by credit card. If asked if you want a receipt announce that you do not want any way of remembering this day.

The tears in your eyes as you drive away should blur the price displayed on the sign out the front.


Enjoy what you've read? Want to receive updates and publishing news in your inbox? Sign up to the bradism mailing list. You'll also receive an ebook, free!


I am a Genius

That's all I could think this morning as the train rocked along the tracks at a steady pace towards town and work.

It was the dawn of a new era, I'd only been awake for half an hour and I was going to arrive at the office as fresh as ever. In my ears 'You Could Have It So Much Better' gave contrasting boppiness to the greys and greens that streamed along each side of the carriage.

In my lap sat a Tupperware container, half filled with Weet-Bix and milk. 'Eating Breakfast on the Train Beta' was proving to be a solid success.

As solid as my Weet-Bix were quickly becoming, unfortunately, as the time delay between pouring milk at home and enjoying milk on train played ravages on the sogginess levels. However this is nothing that revision of business design documents for 'Eating Breakfast on the Train' couldn't handle.

Of all the things I won't be famous for inventing in my life, the plastic container that stores milk and cereal separately until the user combines them at the time of eating will be the greatest at typifying my life.
'Here', it will say, 'Was a man whose only greater value than efficient production was effective laziness'.

As a backup the coffee shop at Blackwood Station will only charge you a dollar for coffee milk and they'll let you pour it and optionally can froth it.

Yes… this is the dawn of a new era. And thanks to my genius it will be the only dawn I see for quite a while.

I Am A Genius... continued...

'Brad!' Mum burst through the door, alarmed. 'It's quarter to 8!'
I opened my eyes and to facer her.

'I know.'

She left. I stretched and smiled to myself. This is why some people always walk around with a smile on their face.

This is how sad my life has become.

There are Funny Videos on the Internet

This may seem like an update for May 1996, but I spent a small part of my largely uneventful weekend actually examining the website 'YouTube' which I have read about lately.

Their database of videos really is quite amazing (you can host your own Rage) and the interface is excellent. Loading times and easy to use embedded video as well show why it's so popular.

So here's a step into the mainstream with some unmarked yet excellently entertaining videos and I think you will laugh if you watch them:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eBXal1GAA4A
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OiTna_a4TCI
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uxkr4wS7XqY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiKWEf2luMY

They're short, but if you got this far without watching any of them at least revisit this classic:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oxTFAkwlH_s


Like my words? Want to buy one of my books? I think you'll like this one:

If you met yourself from the future, what would you ask your future self?
What if they wont tell you anything?

Chase: A Tomorrow Technologies Novella. Available Now for Less than a dollar!


Come What May

Despite feeling so rushed during every moment of free time that I have these days, I somehow found some hours last night to read through my last year of journal as well as look at a whole bunch of photos in a typical nostalgia binge; laughing at the good times, cringing at the bad ones.

This initially seemed like a waste of my precious time, but I took some value from it. Lately everything has seemed a bit disjointed and weird as I entertain feelings like "is this going to be like this for the rest of my life!?" and "is this going to be like this for the rest of my life?!" and other combinations with italics in different places.

However in the course of my self-indulgence I read through some of the entries of last May and I recalled that I felt remarkably similar at the same point in time last year. I even went as far as quitting my job for no real reason. The thing is, last year was fantastic! One of the best years of my life!

So I'm feeling optomistic now. But that didn't stop me from still feeling a little strange as I went to sleep on Sunday night. I think it was because I was sober.

How to Beat Procrastination

I think I might have become an international student because of how passive-aggresive I was in proving to a topic co-ordinator that I didn't need to go to lectures.

Not only did I spend 2 hours in the library tonight after work putting on the finishing touches to my report six days before it's due, but it averages a reference every 30 words...

Check This

Today was a pretty good day for one that started with my fly being done up almost an hour after I put on my pants.

Work was more involving than usual compared to yesterday where at one stage I was spending time reading my old stories. But the most rewarding part of the day was immediately after.

Mum caught a later train so I walked home from the station. The introspective fifteen minute walk reminded me of how I used to always come up with those great story ideas on my walks home.

Not that I thought of any new stories, I just spent fifteen minutes thinking about how I used to think about stories.

My Review of Sub-Primo in the Myer Food Court

Please wait 20 fucking minutes for this review to be prepared.

Feeling Special for Watching

I went to AAMI Stadium for yet another Bulldogs loss in Adelaide.

Except this time they won, and it was awesome! Also they won by a lot and it made up for so many games were they just got thumped.

At the end, I stood in the grandstand clapping as the Port supporters who hadn't left at three quarter time trickled out. After the Bulldog's congratulated each other they walked to their cheer squad and clapped the remaining crowd. Then one of them looked towards my stand and did a fist pump right at me as I stood their clapping! As the only one left standing in that direction I felt very, very special :).

It more than made up for the $20 I tried and failed to put on the Bulldogs to win before the game, which puts that fist pump's value at over $24.50!

A Chowllaboration

I helped out Chow with some guest photos for his 'Chow's Schitzel of the Week' column over on jgkp.com. We're all just internet celebrities. I feel so famous!

You can view it here.

Knuckle Sandwich

I’ve recently started the Abs Diet, well at least I’m in the transition stage at the moment. This basically involves a lot of fresh salad, high protein and wholegrain foods. As I delve into its six meals a day eating structure I’ve basically originated with lunch and started to move outwards. Three out of five lunches this week have been turkey and salad on wholemeal.
Another aspect of the diet is a balance of all essential nutrients, a lot of which can be covered by sunflower seeds. So it was my lunchtime plan today to go to Charlseworth Nuts in the Myer Centre and get a bag of seeds after finding an appropriate sandwich retailer to match my dietary requirements.

Strolling into the food court I noticed a hubbub around Healthy Habits sandwich bar which looked like it was in the process of its new opening, what with the balloons everywhere and giant sandwich character jumping around.

Now an important part of this story hinges on the contents of my wallet. I only had a $5 plus lots of change including a few golds. However at home in my draw I had $160 in notes that I left there earlier in the week and forgot about. Thus I was quite stubborn that I wasn’t going to go to the bank when I could just get money from home.

Based on their nutritious values Healthy Habits seemed the perfect place to find lunch. I approached the counter and placed my order for a wholemeal turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato and carrot. This was made quickly, cut and wrapped and looked quite appetising. This was shitting all over Sub Primo, which was about 10 metres to my left with very little business. No doubt people had been reading my site...

"$11.20" said the smiley server, snapping me out of my thoughts as she was placing my sandwich on the counter. I was taken aback, and asked her to repeat the price.

"$11.20."
I opened my wallet and peered within the change compartment, adding up all I could see. No way could I make $11. This was a fucking rip off. But it looked so nice! They didn’t take EFTPOS or credit card.

"I’ll just walk to the ATM" I told her. She smiled back in agreement.
I started walking to the edge of the food court towards the ATMs and then I kept going. I walked around the corner and up onto the escalator and left my sandwich sitting on the counter. No way am I paying $11 for a sandwich, not unless it’s the same size as that giant sandwich guy, who had curiously disappeared over the course of my order.

The escalator was reaching its summit and I was thinking to myself what a great journal entry this would be as I strolled back out onto the mall and onto the search for a better lunch. It was as I stepped into the sunshine that I saw him, the Sandwich. He and some helpers were standing on the mall giving out balloons and bouncing around. I swore to myself, ducked my head and strode off as fast as I could.
"Hey!" I heard a yell, but I didn’t turn around.

I reached another store in a minute or two and bought the same sandwich in roll form for almost half the price. I even had money left for a sugar-free ice tea. I thanked the lady and left to get back to work with my delicious and well priced lunch bagged and in hand.

I strode past the Myer Centre on the way back but kept to the shadows as I passed. Suddenly I heard quick thuds behind me. Before I could turn completely around I was taken down by the sandwich. He trapped me against the sidewalk. I quickly unpinned my arm and grabbed his head and slammed it into the ground. He rolled off me, dazed, and I stood up. I went to kick him but he grabbed my leg and threw me backwards. He stood and tried to catch his breath as we circled each other. I looked at my ice tea, now spilt on the ground.

I taunted him, curling my finger towards myself. He screamed and lunged at me but I side stepped and he caught my elbow to the back of his neck. He turned around and swung but I’d ducked and pulled out my trademark Mortal Kombat II uppercut. He fell backwards and I stamped my knee into his back and ground him into the street. He struggled but couldn’t get up, I no doubt abetted by the fact his arms where sticking straight out the front of his body. I used one hand to lift up his face and then slammed it into the ground. And again, and again and again. I left his bloody body twitching there on the sidewalk and strode through the crowd of onlookers, collecting my strewn bagged lunch as I passed by. I was spattered with blood, but it was casual Friday and I hadn’t even shaved for two days so it went unnoticed.

I figure I’ll have to wait three to five days before I can go back to the food court and get those sunflower seeds. But that’s probably ok because I doubt I would have had the money for them today anyway, and the last thing I need to do is beat the shit out of a giant cashew.

Today was not Boring

I have a blender that can blend anything.

I also have a Journal Search to make it easier for internet people to stalk me.

The Butt End of Life

Men's Health arrived this month for reading on the train.
Ah, Men's Health, the magazine dedicated to telling you how to improve every aspect of your life so that you can quickly rise the ranks of society and spend the rest of your life living in fear of losing your good looks and dying.

Prostate Cancer is the biggest man killer out there. Men's Health's advice is that ejaculating regularly reduces the risk of prostate cancer and that men should masturbate three times a week. As an alternative, once a day you can eat Brazil nuts. I don't know about the editors of Men's Health but seriously Brazil nuts just really don't rate that high for me.

I was talking health today to a guy I met on the trip home and when I told him that 3 Brazil nuts a day could prevent prostate cancer he asked "wouldn't that hurt?!"

Freaks

They say "Smile, people will wonder what you're up to!"

I tried this technique as I walked along Hindley St on the way back from lunch and people just thought I was insensitive.

An Entry that doesn't try to be Funny

It was a good weekend. I went to the gym after work before cooking a
nice dinner and watching the Bulldogs lose a game and a player at
Josh's house followed by some 5-alive.

Saturday
I actually spent some time in the sun for the first time in a week and
taught myself more about socket sets as I pulled apart a basketball
ring. Then I played basketball before cooking a nice dinner and then
enjoying a social evening at my abode.

Sunday was quiet and
cooking a nice dinner and watching the Da Vinci Code while I ironed was
a fitting way to settle the weekend.

Watch Out Cooney!

WesternBulldogs.com.au is the only website for an AFL club that has it's injury list as a main menu item on its website.

Today at work while I was at lunch someone left a Robert Murphy Tazo on my desk in what was one of the cruelest pranks imaginable.
I created a shrine for him with cut outs of the different leaves and flowers that I found on my chewing gum wrapper and ice-tea label.
My prediction, based on the Bulldogs site's header banner is that Cooney is the only one left to go.
:(
Oh God the more I look at it the worse it gets. Giansiracusa is so obviously twinging a hamstring, Murphy looks as if he's just got thrown into a fence and the way Darcy is twisting that knee... I just wish Cooney didn't look like he's just stepped into a divot at full sprint because his face appears as if he's twisted his ankle and will be out for six weeks from as soon as he hits the ground...

Growing Up All Over the Place

I'm pretty adamant that I don't want kids, ever. This is part of my
"work reasonably hard" and then "retire reasonably early" financial
plan that just won't work with more than one mouth to feed.

However,
today on the train this guy got on with a baby. The baby sat in a pouch
around his chest and it had a little shield to screen the baby from
wind and weather. After getting out of the cold and onto the train, the
dad didn't push the shield down far enough and I spent 10 minutes
facing the cutest freaking baby ever just trying to peer over this tiny
wall and gazing so curious and innocently at everything on the train. I
was stopped mid sentence several times just in awww of the adorable
little guy in his teeny little coveralls.

So it made me think, I
still reckon I don't want kids but now I'm a little less certain. Maybe
I could change my mind? I might want a kid... I want that kid...