Brad's Summer Journal 7

Every night where it's 2am and it's still warm enough to be wearing board shorts and thongs is a Summer gift from God.


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750 Entries!

It was an unusually overcast summers day, so instead of visiting the beach it was a day for mini golf at Adelaide Shores.
In this photo Josh, Bogus and at the tip of the shaft, Maning. In fact, there did seem to be a recurring theme amongst each hole...

In this photo Josh, Bogus and at the tip of the shaft, Maning. In fact, there did seem to be a recurring theme amongst each hole...


Angus trying to sink a long range putt within the scrotum.

Angus trying to sink a long range putt within the scrotum.


Continue Reading Stories from the Golf...

Mondays - Not a Fan

When I got out of the lift and onto my level this morning the first thing I noticed was a terrible, dry, scratching noise. It was coming from a broken fan in a server rack near the security door to my cubicle farm, and it sure was grating. Normally this would only be a problem when I walked past the door. However seeing as I am still isolated on some random cubicle right near the door while my actual desk is reconstructed it quickly became obvious that this was a noise I would endure all day.

So, still within earshot of this grinding I noticed that my Ghetto Phone looked slightly crooked. And upon reaching my desk and performing further examination I realised that someone had reclaimed the cable. I peered over the fabric wall and over the weekend some has settled on the desk over from me. Then - with their phone line reclaimed - they'd erected a micro barrier over where the cable once stretched by planting the big wooden block that has their name on it on the top of the partition.

I sat and took heavy breaths as I felt the isolation closing in around me. Then I put my headphones on to drown out the sound of the scraping fan and all the phone calls that the newcomer was getting (with Pepe Deluxé). This worked for most of the day. Then, as I was walking past the door with my second coffee of the day at around 3pm I was internally narrating the ghastly sound and I the best simile I could come up with to describe it was 'like a dentists hook scraping over all of your teeth, probing for plaque'.

After thinking that my teeth hurt. I went home shortly after.


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Overacheiving

Today I did an unassisted overhand chin up for the first time ever. It was surprising.

I also tweaked my profile with Internode to High Speed instead of High Reliability. On High Reliability I was losing linesync at least once a day anyway, so I figured as I already had low reliability I could try High Speed. Then I downloaded the new episode of American Dad at average speed of 712kb/s. As a nerd who five years ago was journaling on a red 56k modem at 4kb/s this sent me into all sorts of sexual appreciation.

It wasn't really an episode of American Dad, RIAA, it was an episode of a Linux ISO.

Alive with Christmas Spirit

Scotch is a Christmas spirit, right? Johnny Walker red and white label?

Losing Sight of the True Meaning of Christmas

One of the best parts about this time of the year, being in a corporate world of polite circle jerking, is all the Christmas Functions I get invited to. For every client I support I get another drinks and nibbles invitation email. Plus all the internal ones: Team Drinks, Department drinks, Corporate Christmas Party. Today I received my invitation to my Building's Christmas celebration. I hovered over 'Accept' in Outlook as I quickly glanced over the attached message.

"Congratulations for all your accomplishments in 2007. In reward for your hard work you are invited to the X-Mas breakfast on Thursday 20th December, 7:00am - 9:00am."

Excuse me, Outlook Appointment Notification? Getting up for a 7:00am breakfast isn't a reward, it's a punishment. What's the point of working so hard and being 100% committed to my company when I don't get to slack off during work times for half of december?

Disgusted, I prepared to mark as tentative and inevitably just turn up at 0830 for a few beers before work. Until I realised that there's not even alcohol served at this breakfast! Seriously, this company has some major issues.

On the DERP day of DERPness my DERP love gave to me

Derp is a funny word after a joke that is obvious and everyone can see coming.

I set my alarm for 7:55am and chose SexyBack as the chords that would wake me for my day. The theory was that the Timberlake/Timbaland combination would spur me into morning action with the hint of shenanigans that would occur at, uh, shenanigans later in the evening. I woke up at 9:50am and my alarm hadn't gone off. I hate to say this, but that's ironic.

So, when I finally did arise I smashed through a shower because, seriously, I was 2 hours late for work. That shit don't fly with me.

I didn't have lunch at work today. In fact, I actually worked almost the whole day, which is unusual. Usually at least a few hours are dedicated to internet browsing and general slacking. So imagine my surprise when at 4pm after a solid 6 hours of work I realised that Facebook, Bigfooty and every single web messenger interface had just been added to the firewall's blocked website's list.

Yes, that's right, I work harder than I have any other day this summer and it coincides with the death of the majority of sites I use at work.

One website that wasn't blocked was gmail. And I received an email saying that the Chemical Brothers were now coming to the Adelaide Future Music Festival. That's right, I spend $400 for nothing on tickets and flights to Melbourne to see them only for them to extend their visitation here a day later.

That's Derp. Everything is derp alright.

On the Second Day of Christmas

I got linen pants. I wore them to work and by God every step I take is like gentle sex. Not like heavy, brutal metal chick sex but more like sultan with several concubines who slowly wave me with fans sex.

A bit rough

When I was first invited to play in a weekend basketball carnival a few months ago I wasn't sure I'd be able to make it through a day of multiple games without my back giving out completely.

Then, last Sunday with the carnival less than a week away I rolled my ankle and I wasn't sure I'd even be able to run during the six games of basketball I'd have to play on the first day.

What I didn't expect, and thus it came as a surprise, was that on the third day of Christmas I would get extreme thigh chafing. After 12 hours of running around in the same sweaty underwear with my thighs constantly going scrape, scrape, scrape I emerged from day one of this weekend carnival with long red rashes down each of my inner thighs. And disturbingly, much less leg hair.

Indeed by the middle of the last game all I could do as a ran-waddled up the court each time was pray for some sort of cool, soothing relief. I was shocked to then actually receive some in what I thought was moisturiser from god appearing on my legs during someone else's free-throws. But it actually turned out to be blood running down my quadriceps.

After getting home and showering I pillaged the bathroom for anything that might be helpful. There I found Nivea Cooling Skin Relief, and this sounded like a blessing. It spoke of dry, red and irritated skin and of the power of its cool, refreshing results. So I wiped a palmful along the inside of one thigh, realising immediately that this bottle had come from a razor gift pack and that the product contained obscene amounts of aftershave. I almost broke my jaw from screaming.

After my second shower I found some Vaseline in my brother's room and applied that conservatively, and then extremely religiously about my nether regions. This has helped a lot. Coming from sensuous linen pants yesterday to grimacing every step this evening has come as quite a shock. I have more games tomorrow.

Christmas Day 4

Before this weekend I didn't even know I wanted bike shorts. After buying them between games today I now feel like I didn't know what having nuts was about until now.

Things I Didn't Get for Christmas

Why are there big red ribbons on things everywhere? Gum trees, street signs, stobie poles, lamp posts. On council property and in people's front gardens. I understand they're there for Christmas, but when did big red ribbon bows become a Christmas decoration? There are already a lot of weird, unnecessary Christmas decorations. Wreaths, balls on Christmas trees, delightful gay tinsel spread everywhere. There's also the obscene amounts of fossil-fuel burning lights. This is what we're dooming the Great Barrier Reef for?

But I'm cool with all those things, because they're traditional. What's not traditional are lazily wrapping up your trees and letterboxes and No Standing signs like they're a gift to the world. It's new and contemporary and I don't like it! I'm paranoid that this is just the first of many steps towards changing Christmas Time into a generic Festive Season. As the world becomes more integrated and more multicultural we need to stop and embrace each others differences, not ignore them and blend them all together. I don't want to hear people saying "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas". And I don't want to lose gay tinsel.

Also, the following stores do not have "all your Christmas shopping needs" despite what they wish you thought:


  • Bunnings Warehouse
  • Supercheap Auto
  • Officeworks

Not to mention Chrisco. I wouldn't want to have shares in them right now.

Finally, in the most perplexing Celebration of Jesus Christ's Birth Day so far, I got home from work tonight and in the mail was a letter from work. This was odd because why would work mail me at home when I had just come from work? Inside was a form letter with my name at the top and talk about 2007 as a period of sustainable growth and better aligning towards market sectors in 2008. (This is done mainly through changing the name of random departments/things). It was the same stuff I'd read in many corporate template emails over the last few weeks from other assorted senior managers and like those this one had a throw away reference to having a happy holidays, which I appreciated (the thought, not the semantics). However the disturbing part of this story is that the envelope it came in was unstamped nor was it Postage Paid Australia'd or baring any sign of having travelled through the Australia Post service. The only conclusion I could assume is that someone from work had been to my house to deliver the letter. While I don't pretend to fully understand the theory behind work/life balance I feel this was surely a gross violation of it. Furthermore, if 2007 was a successful year of sustainable growth why are Senior Management dropping letters off themselves and saving money on stamps?

On the 8th Day of Chinese New Christmas

8 is a lucky number in Asia. Because it has no edges or points or looks like boobs on their side or something (I'm not very cultured).

It was on the 8th day of Christmas I visited the mail room to find a package from Chow. I carried it to my desk and opened it excitedly. What could it be?

LEGO!!!! I love Chow.

LEGO!!!! I love Chow.



So at 10:30 AM I began constructing my Lego in my cubicle. The first instruction was very clear.

So at 10:30 AM I began constructing my Lego in my cubicle. The first instruction was very clear.



Nothing against assembling in a cubicle though. And I was off.

Nothing against assembling in a cubicle though. And I was off.



Progress shot. Nice work phone camera, focusing on the background instead of the object right in front of the lens.

Progress shot. Nice work phone camera, focusing on the background instead of the object right in front of the lens.



But wait! I was building a catapult for destroying the undead horse rider but my set was sans rubber band! Fortunately undead horse rider found one that was holding a packet of nuts together and brought it over, not realising how counter-productive this might be towards his undead future.

But wait! I was building a catapult for destroying the undead horse rider but my set was sans rubber band! Fortunately undead horse rider found one that was holding a packet of nuts together and brought it over, not realising how counter-productive this might be towards his undead future.



Finished and put on my PC.

Finished and put on my PC.



I modded skeleton rider to be half robot half skeleton rider. I love Lego.

I modded skeleton rider to be half robot half skeleton rider. I love Lego.



But does the catapult actually work?

But does the catapult actually work?



BOUUSHHH!!

BOUUSHHH!!

People keep looking at me. Probably should get back to work.

Merry Holidays

As the year comes to a close I plan to post at least several features and reviews to summarise the past 12 month. The first of these is Photos of the latter part of the year. Basically photos of the month fodder that was too unique and specific to feature as a photo filled journal entry which was the ultimate cause of death for Photos of the Month.

A dragonfly allows me to play with my camera's macro mode.

A dragonfly allows me to play with my camera's macro mode.


Gus is thoroughly impressed by DJ Bradism.

Gus is thoroughly impressed by DJ Bradism.


My cousins's foot, a dog, my foot.

My cousins's foot, a dog, my foot.


Continue Reading Photos of the Latter Part of the Year...

My Christmas Letter to the Internet

Dear Internet,
Another year is almost over! As fast as Christmas Letters get received it seems it's time to write another. This year, unsurprisingly, my family's Christmas letter regaled the lives of everyone far too equally and so once again I feel the need to evaluate my own year more thoroughly and schizophrenically.

The main money winning Brad this year was employment Brad who learnt many things about himself and the corporate world during 2007. These were important things, like the best places in town for coffee. Or how to take credit for the good work done by people in India while also blaming them when things went wrong. The first eight months were all about finishing the project started almost 2 years ago. After finishing it, and failing to implement it and finishing it again the whole department was pretty chuffed. Fortunately it seems everything Employment Brad contributed to the project has been working flawlessly and he hasn't been asked a single question about data replication since winter. With that behind him he now works in a job that lets him introduce himself to people as an "Applications Server Management Support Technician" which gets panties dropping. Based on the amount of training scheduled on Application Server for the coming months it seems likely that there will be plenty more panty dropping in the near future. Especially seeing that the only other source of income this year was a miserly 0ish dollars won by Gambling Brad on sports betting and Blackjack.

Academic Brad took notes from his younger brother Employment Brad by also achieving a long term goal at the half way stage of the year. We are pleased to announce that from June he had completed his Bachelor of Innovation and Enterprise in the fields of Science and Technology (another sexy title) and his second degree in four point five years was over. The endless months of studying are now done with, much to his deep disappointment.

Sports Brad is now the most regular visitor to the university. Not for study, although he did learn a set of Tai Chi during the rainy months, but usually to work out or sit on a bike as his shorts creep slowly up his arse. It has been a long 12 months for Sports Brad, starting with the long recovery from the spinal disc he ruptured in 2006. The first few months of 2007 were full of continuing physiotherapy, Pilates, walking and awkward doorframe stretches. Since then he has slowly progressed beyond therapy to return to lifting weights and playing basketball. We are all very proud of him. While sporting achievements were limited this year, with yet another round of making the finals comfortably then being knocked out, there were a few pinnacles. The first being the highly successful BULKTEMBER which taught Sports Brad as well as a lot of other people many interesting facts about nutrition and fitness. He also capped the year off by playing six games of social basketball during one day during a Christmas basketball carnival, which plainly was just giving the finger to last summer's Sports Brad who couldn't even play in one. Sports Brad has also started training with a district basketball team to hopefully play competitively next year and to gain some skills. Sports Brad is now almost at the age where just being tall isn't enough to be good anymore.

Creativity Brad has had an average year compared to some of his peers. This marks his 151st journal entry for the year which is a poor ratio of entries to days. However the quality or at least the quantity of the words in them has gone up since last year. There have also been 25 articles or phocumentaries posted on this site so far this year, which is a new record. The progress in coding the site itself has been much slower.
Creativity Brad has also often been seen on the train busy scribbling fiction into his notebooks too, though none of those stories has ever been finished. "My writing has really improved this year" he confided in me after being rejected for a position writing music reviews for a local street press. "I keep finding more and more shit things I do and cutting them out. I have to raise myself up to acceptable soon. If Mahwela Singh could become an analyst while clearly having no grasp of Java then I too can get paid for writing crap." Yes, well you never met Mahwela Singh, Creativity Brad, it was Employment Brad who did that. You've rehashed the whole gimmick.
So wherever you find yourself this holiday period we all wish you a Joyous Festive Season and prosperous new year. Treat every day as an amazing gift, even if I don't post a journal entry. To everyone in the Internet: Merry Christmas.

Love,
Bradism.com

My Christmas Haul

Size 16 thongs (flip flops)
Size 60 hat
Jumbo sized towel
Largest Crumpler backpack in the store

It's like my family has finally realised I'm a giant bastard and now they're poking me with a stick.

Albums of the Year - 2007

50. Mark Ronson - Version
Mark Ronson turns all sorts of songs into funky dancefloor hits.
49. !!! - Myth Takes
Electro punk with some catchy tunes and some groovy tunes.
48. BoyfriendGirlfriend - Names Names
Tag team of bedroom producers from different cities who produced a very sexual sounding techno album.
47. Menomena - Friend and Foe
A rock band with an intriguing experimental sound behind them. Some warped sounding tracks amongst these songs.
46. Simian Mobile Disco - Attack Decay Sustain Release
Lots of dancefloor hits.
45. Efterklang - Parades
Highly moody melodies and captivating sounds.
44. The Hives - The Black and White Album
Very catchy, frenetic rock songs. Highly poppy. Some filler.
43. Ratatat - Remixes Vol. II
Making some classic Hip Hop of the last few years and decades sound exceedingly fresh. Stomping, sweeping beats as you'd expect from Ratatat.
42. The Nextmen - This Was Supposed to be the Future
UK Hip Hop duo who drop beats of a dizzying array of styles. Quality summer flavour to most and a few good collabs.
41. Rob Sonic - Sabatoge Gigante
Kinda white but still good Hip-Hop in Aesop Rock style ramblings.
40. Mice Parade - Mice Parade
Soft, melodious indie rock with sublime and dominant guitar work.
39. Chemical Brothers - We Are the Night
Psychedelic techno from some of the pioneers of the scene, an album that grows with every listen.
38. Caribou - Andorra
Terrific trippy electronic music.
37. Oliver Koletzki - Get Wasted
Really German house music. Smooth, efficient and minimal. Deep dubs.
36. Editors - An End Has A Start
Cinematic Indie Rock that sweeps all the elements of a song up into a dramatic blast of music on almost every track.
35. The Apples in Stereo - New Magnetic Wonder
Indie Pop Rock from the same label as Neutral Milk Hotel. Plenty of catchy ditties and extreme overuse of vocal distortion effects.
34. Voxtrot - Voxtrot
A LP with perhaps a few too many tracks but with plenty of enjoyable ones as well.
33. Patrick Wolf - The Magic Position
Lounge singer style vocals over delicious, melodious pop beats.
32. Digitalism - Idealism
German electro outfit showing that the French aren't the only ones capable of making high quality electro dance music.
31. Studio - Yearbook 1
Looping layers of warm electronica, slow building and highly rewarding. Kinda minimal.
30. Blockhead - Uncle Tony's Coloring Book
Classy instrumental hip-hop from one of the best producers on the Def Jux label.
29. Offcuts - What Happened Don't Lie
Very addictive rock from this Australian Band from Melbourne. Coming from an electronic music background shows through in what is a solid influence.
28. Modeselektor - Happy Birthday!
Shadowy electro breaks with a few tracks of synths and hip-hop which work well.
27. Hopewell - Beautiful Targets
Former Mercury Rev vocalist in his own band in an album filled with both poppy rock tunes as well as slower moving, classical ballads.
26. Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightmare
Heavier and less dancey than their first album but still very catchy and a good evolution from the band.
25. Apostle of Hustle - National Anthem of Nowhere
Broken Social Scene guitarists side project, very laidback indie rock.
24. The White Stripes - Icky Thump
Sometimes low-fi but always high quality, this album combines fun, experimentation and rocking guitar work into an effective final product.
23. Spoon - Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga
Slightly experimental tracks from Spoon as well as a few standard fare high quality indie rock classics like Underdog. Hard to fault.
22. Klaxons - Myths of the Near Future
A solid album of nu-electro, enough to make them the pioneers of the sound.
21. Of Montreal - Hissing Fauna, Are you the Destroyer
Screaming electro-punk, full of high energy lyrics and interesting synthesizer work.
20. Kanye West - Graduation
Kanye West may be arrogant but he could squeeze a good beat from a stone.
19. Maximo Park - Our Earthly Pleasures
Catchy post-punk-pop-rock.
18. Interpol - Our Love To Admire
I thought this was a really good combination of Antics and Turn on the Bright Lights.
17. The National - Boxer
Sombre, rambling lyrics over shadowy, grungy guitars and drums.
16. Radiohead - In Rainbows
Radiohead's greatest strength is making a song simultaneously depressingly soulful and catchy as fuck.
15. The Arcade Fire - Neon Bible
Tonnes of instrumentalists, tonnes of talent, very solid album.
14. Kings of Leon - Because Of The Times
Hick rock that rocks.
13. Bishop Allen - The Broken String
Rocky pop with many catchy melodies but occasionally lazy lyrics.
12. Aesop Rock - None Shall Pass
Patchwork quilt like lyrics spat over some awesome, eclectic beats. Aes' finest work to date.
11. Battles - Mirrored
Rhythm and melody parsed through a number of mathematical formulas to produce captivating beats.
10. Justice - Cross
Revolutionising clubs and dance floors by making house rock.
9. Bloc Party - A Weekend in the City
More excellent, catchy rock with excellent production work.
8. Pepe Deluxe - Spare Time Machine
Jazzy/Funky/Groovy multi-instrumental breaks and delightful lyrics.
7. The Cinematics - A Strange Education
New Order/Interpol style rock with an excellent, emotive vocalist.
6. Okkervil River - The Stage Names
Lyrically and instrumentally captivating.
5. The Shins - Wincing The Night Away
Strong guitar pop ballads.
4. Modest Mouse - We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank
Small town rock now applied to a global village. This album sounds like it was a lot of fun to make and therefore is a lot of fun to listen to.
3. Alterkicks - Do Everything I Taught You
Catchy Liverpool pop/rock. Very catchy.
2. Feist - The Reminder
A beautiful, waify voice over light and dark pop melodies.
1. El-P - I'll Sleep When You're Dead
Dark, verbose hip-hop with dark, multi-layered apocalypse beats.