April Fools 2017

April Fools, the sun sets at 4pm now.
April Fools also it's really cold.
April Fools, only 2261 of the 2262 pieces are in the box.

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If you met yourself from the future, what would you ask your future self?
What if they wont tell you anything?

The History of my Phone

In 2004 I conditioned myself like Pavlov's Dog by cracking a beer after nightfill shifts and simultaneously listening to the melody of Bedrock's 1999 trance classic Heaven Scent. Over a decade later and every time I hear those chords (which admittedly is not that often) I am hit with salivating and the thirst for a beer, even first thing in the morning. That was the worst mistake I ever made in the field of messing with my brain's lower-consciousness functions. Until now.

Welcome to this closing-bracket follow up to September 20th's entry The Future of my Wallet. Six months had passed since my little brain experiment began, and I was beyond feeling any dissonance when the times came to put my wallet and my phone in my pockets. My wallet sat on my left hip, my phone now pride of place on my right, and nary a headphone-cable snag I could recollect. My brain pulsed with the muscle that this reprogramming had strengthened. Life was good.

That was until I found the one downside of carrying my phone on my right side. Right was the side that exited the car first. Many times after driving during the previous summers I'd discover my phone missing, and later find it on the driver's seat where it had slipped free of the loose pockets of my dri-fit shorts that I wear as deep into Autumn as possible. Now in my right pocket, fate finally intervened and as I climbed out of the car last Friday my phone jumped with me and cracked onto the cement of my garage, the last thing it would ever do.

Let this tale be a warning to those readers who've waited to hear of the outcome of my mental reprogramming (particularly my Mum, who commented ‘Keep persevering! :)'). The warning is not to avoid messing with your habits, conditioning and instincts. It's to not keep your phone in your right pocket and wear dri-fit shorts when driving. I've now been downgraded to a five year old phone that I hate (and am eternally grateful to the lenders of, as those hours between phones were not pleasant). At least I can still listen to Spotify on my way to work. I snagged my headphone cable on the fence at the railway crossing first thing on Monday morning.

I shaved it into a plastic bag

Obviously I don't like to revisit the past too often, but the events of today have reminded me of a relevant short story I wrote twelve years ago.

Further, if my understanding of the Coles packaging waste recycling system is correct, it means my filthy mustache might soon make it into a primary school playground for small children to sit on.

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One of the saddest times of the year.

5:59 PM on Monday April 10, 2017

5:59 PM on Monday April 10, 2017

Arms Around The World

Sometime between summer's final sunset and winter's ubiquitous, gloomy chill comes a period of time where all of mankind face the same problem. It doesn't matter if you live in Adelaide, or Sydney, or Melbourne, or Pyongyang, or London, or Aleppo, there are going to be days you wake up and think, "Today is too cold for a t-shirt, but too warm for a jumper."

These are the long-sleeve shirt conundrums of Autumn, where you have a section of your wardrobe filled with long-sleeved shirts that you never seem to wear because one day the temperature goes from 22 and sunny to a top of 12 and showers and you have to delay the skivvies another six months.

Today's forecast was for a very consistent daytime starting from 18 and never going higher than 22. I would be away from home for ten hours, so a long sleeved shirt would have to keep me warm enough for the morning commute, but not too warm such that I felt uncomfortable eating my reheated beans and rice straight out of the microwave for lunch. I picked out a cream top with a crew neck and on my walk from the car to the office I was warm and content. From there things took a bad turn. After my coffee I had to roll up my sleeves, and when sitting in the sun during my break I had to undo one of the buttons too. I didn't unroll my sleeves until well after I'd returned home.

However, I wasn't the only one that day in a long sleeved shirt, or even a long-sleeved shirt with the arms rolled up. So while I did feel tepid throughout the afternoon I also felt peace knowing that all over the world other people were dealing with the same struggles I was faced with.

ANZAC Day Jokes

ANZAC Day is an annual reminder of the service provided to Australia and New Zealand by our defense forces. It's also an annual reminder that I should dial back the temperature setting of my freezer for the next six months.

You probably shouldn't make jokes about ANZAC Day.

Yeah, I'm the idiot who waited until late on ANZAC Day Eve to try and buy a loaf of Turkish Bread from the supermarket. That's why I had to settle for Lebanese bread for supper.