Knuckle Sandwich

I’ve recently started the Abs Diet, well at least I’m in the transition stage at the moment. This basically involves a lot of fresh salad, high protein and wholegrain foods. As I delve into its six meals a day eating structure I’ve basically originated with lunch and started to move outwards. Three out of five lunches this week have been turkey and salad on wholemeal.
Another aspect of the diet is a balance of all essential nutrients, a lot of which can be covered by sunflower seeds. So it was my lunchtime plan today to go to Charlseworth Nuts in the Myer Centre and get a bag of seeds after finding an appropriate sandwich retailer to match my dietary requirements.

Strolling into the food court I noticed a hubbub around Healthy Habits sandwich bar which looked like it was in the process of its new opening, what with the balloons everywhere and giant sandwich character jumping around.

Now an important part of this story hinges on the contents of my wallet. I only had a $5 plus lots of change including a few golds. However at home in my draw I had $160 in notes that I left there earlier in the week and forgot about. Thus I was quite stubborn that I wasn’t going to go to the bank when I could just get money from home.

Based on their nutritious values Healthy Habits seemed the perfect place to find lunch. I approached the counter and placed my order for a wholemeal turkey sandwich with lettuce, tomato and carrot. This was made quickly, cut and wrapped and looked quite appetising. This was shitting all over Sub Primo, which was about 10 metres to my left with very little business. No doubt people had been reading my site...

"$11.20" said the smiley server, snapping me out of my thoughts as she was placing my sandwich on the counter. I was taken aback, and asked her to repeat the price.

I opened my wallet and peered within the change compartment, adding up all I could see. No way could I make $11. This was a fucking rip off. But it looked so nice! They didn’t take EFTPOS or credit card.

"I’ll just walk to the ATM" I told her. She smiled back in agreement.
I started walking to the edge of the food court towards the ATMs and then I kept going. I walked around the corner and up onto the escalator and left my sandwich sitting on the counter. No way am I paying $11 for a sandwich, not unless it’s the same size as that giant sandwich guy, who had curiously disappeared over the course of my order.

The escalator was reaching its summit and I was thinking to myself what a great journal entry this would be as I strolled back out onto the mall and onto the search for a better lunch. It was as I stepped into the sunshine that I saw him, the Sandwich. He and some helpers were standing on the mall giving out balloons and bouncing around. I swore to myself, ducked my head and strode off as fast as I could.
"Hey!" I heard a yell, but I didn’t turn around.

I reached another store in a minute or two and bought the same sandwich in roll form for almost half the price. I even had money left for a sugar-free ice tea. I thanked the lady and left to get back to work with my delicious and well priced lunch bagged and in hand.

I strode past the Myer Centre on the way back but kept to the shadows as I passed. Suddenly I heard quick thuds behind me. Before I could turn completely around I was taken down by the sandwich. He trapped me against the sidewalk. I quickly unpinned my arm and grabbed his head and slammed it into the ground. He rolled off me, dazed, and I stood up. I went to kick him but he grabbed my leg and threw me backwards. He stood and tried to catch his breath as we circled each other. I looked at my ice tea, now spilt on the ground.

I taunted him, curling my finger towards myself. He screamed and lunged at me but I side stepped and he caught my elbow to the back of his neck. He turned around and swung but I’d ducked and pulled out my trademark Mortal Kombat II uppercut. He fell backwards and I stamped my knee into his back and ground him into the street. He struggled but couldn’t get up, I no doubt abetted by the fact his arms where sticking straight out the front of his body. I used one hand to lift up his face and then slammed it into the ground. And again, and again and again. I left his bloody body twitching there on the sidewalk and strode through the crowd of onlookers, collecting my strewn bagged lunch as I passed by. I was spattered with blood, but it was casual Friday and I hadn’t even shaved for two days so it went unnoticed.

I figure I’ll have to wait three to five days before I can go back to the food court and get those sunflower seeds. But that’s probably ok because I doubt I would have had the money for them today anyway, and the last thing I need to do is beat the shit out of a giant cashew.


Mark This story is ludicrous; we all know the giant sandwich would have kicked the shit out of you.
May 19 2006 - Like
Zippo Dubious. That sandwich was packing deli slices at best, but Brad is beefy as fuck.
May 20 2006 - Like
Zoe Brad's my hero!
May 20 2006 - Like
Gus The homepage is useless, and not nearly as entertaining as yours brad.
May 20 2006 - Like
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