All of my teeth are Guns

I had my teeth professionally cleaned, plaque scraped and polished today. This followed on from my dentist appointment a week ago which lasted all of 10 minutes and resulted in me needing a "cleaning" appointment with the same predictability that a free Scientology personality test will reveal character imbalances. However I was happy to take a trip to my friendly dental hygienist seeing as I own the world's best set of natural teeth and every year I don't get them polished is a waste of my private health insurance's large dental coverage.

I shaved before my appointment. I also tend to put on cologne before I see my physio. It's not because I'm insecure or anything I just happen to have a realistic understanding of how big and smelly I am and how terrible my beard is.

It seemed to work because my dental hygienist was young and nice and we had as good a conversation as you can have when one person has hooks and a vacuum in their mouth. We talked about jobs and how hard it is to have a conversation when you have hooks and a vacuum in your mouth. It was meta.

After impressing her with my ability to talk while being brushed, my gun barrel straight teeth and my tongue's curious instinct to lick the mirror every time it was put in my mouth it seemed things were going well. So I organised with her a date. She said yes despite the challenges and spillages that the "rinse and spit into this vacuum cleaner" process involved. Next Thursday we're meeting up and I'm having a few molars resealed.