Winter Recharge

I’ve grown a shit beard again.

Vanessa and I enjoyed a winter staycation the past week, and it has been very pleasant. We've been on long walks, relaxed at home, eaten ice-cream by the seaside. I've worn my tracksuit pants a lot. It's been great to relax, unwind, and take a break from work routines, like shaving. We've just focused on ourselves.
I think I've just about reached the point where I've stopped thinking about my job, in time for me to go back tomorrow.

Today, while sitting in the sun at the Semaphore foreshore, a homeless man with a trolley asked if I had any spare change. Unfortunately I'd just spent our last coins on today's ice-cream.
“Sorry, I don't,” I said.
“Didn't think so,” he replied, and I immediately knew it was time to shave the beard.


Enjoy what you've read? Want to receive updates and publishing news in your inbox? Sign up to the bradism mailing list. You'll also receive an ebook, free!


How To Make Freaking Awesome Microwave Porridge

Every year, one morning close to the winter solstice, it takes me thirty minutes to drink an icy smoothie and suddenly I remember that I like porridge. It’s funny, if you asked me in mid-February if I even knew how to make oats I’d probably give you a blank look, but like an old, crinkled-up tissue in a jacket pocket, June brings things back to me. And each year I’m forced to recollect my porridge recipe.

This year I’m writing my recipe down to save myself some time in 2019, and maybe share some tips with you, internet. I’ve called this post “Freaking Awesome Microwave Porridge” because there is already heaps of search results for “Best Microwave Porridge” so I’m trying to market on an angle.

I make my oats in the microwave. You can make them on the stove, but then you have to clean a saucepan. This way you can eat them straight out of the bowl.

image 1733 from bradism.com

These are my ingredients. You can use steel cut or plain rolled oats. Garnish berries are option, but banana is essential.

The number one secret of Bradism Porridge - banana first. Mush it up like baby food in the base of the bowl.

image 1734 from bradism.com

Then, add one cup of oats, a tablespoon of cinnamon and mix it all through.

image 1735 from bradism.com

Then, add a cup of water on the top and stir some more. Microwave this for 90 seconds on high, then add half a cup of milk and microwave another 90 seconds.

The porridge magic will start to happen. Depending on the moisture content of the banana, and the effect of entropy on how densely the oats stacked themselves in your measuring cup, you’ll need to stir and heat a few more times to get the consistency you need. For me that’s usually the following: 60 seconds, 60 seconds, 40 seconds, 40 seconds, 30 seconds, 30 seconds.

image 1738 from bradism.com

Use the brief intervals of molecule vibration to tidy your kitchen and assemble your lunch for the day, or prepare fresh berries for garnish.
Frozen berries also work. You can chuck these in on the second-to-last mix through and they will reach the same temperature and consistency of the oats by the time you eat them.

image 1737 from bradism.com

Fresh strawberries should not be microwaved. Lay them on the surface where the steaming oats will instantly gel-ify them. Add honey or maple syrup to taste.

I ate the above bowl at 7:30 AM for breakfast today, survived several hailstorms and did not need to eat again until after 3 PM. Freaking Awesome.

Wormholes and the Woman with the Fake Tan

This week my short time-travel noir Wormholes and the Woman with the Fake Tan was published in Aurealis Magazine, Australia's longest running small-press science-fiction and fantasy magazine! This was super exciting! I have been wondering for a long time if anyone other than me (and Vanessa) liked the idea of a detective who could smell the future after a time machine fell on them.

image 1740 from bradism.com

If you'd like to read the story, you can buy a copy of Aurealis #113 here: https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/888305

Yes, I know what you're going to say. Brad, $3 for an ebook!? I could buy a can of Fanta at the airport for that much! But think about it, how many of those bingeworthy TV shows that you love were inspired by books? Game of Thrones, OITNB, Dexter, the whole Marvel universe (and DC too I guess). How will we have TV shows in ten years if no one supports writing? Don't you want to see what a Bradism.com Mini-series has in store in 2031?

If $3 is too much, you can also buy my Novellete Chase on Amazon for less than a buck. (Or, if you sign up below to the bradism.com mailing list, you can get it for free. Or you could do both.)

Uncool

image 1741 from bradism.com

A couple of the things which bring me great joy in life are writing stories in my notebook, and eating a whole bunch of yogurt, cereal and fruit mushed together.
Sometimes - like when Vanessa is doing half marathons in far off places early on Sunday mornings - I do these things together, and those times are some of the most joyous times of all.

image 1742 from bradism.com

Except when it is Feels Like 2°C! I could barely stir my Weet Bix.


Like my words? Want to buy one of my books? I think you'll like this one:

If you met yourself from the future, what would you ask your future self?
What if they wont tell you anything?

Chase: A Tomorrow Technologies Novella. Available Now for Less than a dollar!


Is This A Good Author/Bio Pic?

image 1744 from bradism.com

Yes, obviously.

Old Fart

Over time I've noticed the occasional squeaker slipping out when I lift something heavy off the ground, hold a stretch too long, or have a quick burst of activity. All part of the aging process, I reasoned. I'm not as young as I once was. I'm not proud of it, but the majesty of the mature human body does seem to come with some extra flatulence.

Then I remembered, LeBron James is basically the same age as me. I doubt he's tooting each time he jumps for a board or lays in a floater. Maybe something is wrong with me?

Of course, LeBron is essentially an archetype for the perfect male athlete, and that probably includes his butthole. Also, I doubt LeBron is buying the week old cabbages and capsicums from the front of the fruit and veg shop, making bulk lentil vindaloo with them, then eating them after ten days in the fridge.