The Most Abhorrent Meal of the Day

If the 450 word eulogy I posted a year ago for my blender didn't make it obvious to me that I loved it, absence has most definitely made the heart grow fonder. Paying $550 for a new blender must in part have been an over-compensation for the grief I was feeling. What sane person would make a choice like that? What features beyond turning ice and food into a delicious breakfast must a blender offer to justify its price. Only the people who purchase 24 packs of croissants in bulk might know the answer (as in, multiple 24 packs...)

The Vitamix Explorian E320, like most of 2022, did not meet my expectations. It turned ingredients and ice into watery ingredients and crushed up ice. It had a two litre jug all right, but the blended contents never reached the top. I had an eleven year long baseline to compare it with. Before 2022 I would get two and a half milkshake cups worth of lush, gossamer, silky smoothie. It would take me twenty minutes to drink. I could place a plastic spoon on the surface and it would float there. Yes, most of the cup was air but it was delicious, refreshing air.

Initially I thought there was just a learning curve. A good breakfast-person never blames their tools after all. At some point, with the Breville over the horizon, it was clear that things were not going to improve. Is not the definition of insanity to repeatedly put 225ml of skim milk, 20g of protein powder, a banana, some berries, and 200g of low fat yogurt in a blender with 27 ice cubes and expect different results? I tried increasing the milk, decreasing it. Increasing the ice, decreasing it. Increasing the yogurt, increasing that even more. I couldn't understand why a recipe that hadn't changed in over a decade (well, barely...) could fail over and over again.

I blamed myself. After watching those expensive blades every morning whip the the jug's contents up and up only for breakfast to sink down after each blending was depressing. The house would shake, I'd stop the motor and I'd be left with goop. Where was my creamy refreshment? Where was the SPOILER: smoother mouth feel?

I was aging. I was declining. Maybe my life to this point had been a balance of mostly lucky breaks, and now the symmetry of the odds were rearing their head. I was going to be doomed for the rest of my life to make bad decisions and drink disappointing smoothies.


A few weeks ago I thought to myself maybe it was time to stop drinking smoothies for breakfast. I could eat cereal again. Maybe toast, or just a black coffee and a single, boiled egg from a collection I kept in some Tupperware that I would refill, unsmiling, every Sunday. At least I'd get a journal entry out of it.


I could tell when I'd hit rock bottom.
At that point I decided that I didn't care that this stupid Vitamix had cost me over half a fucking grand. I was going to buy another Breville. I bought the Breville Boss. It was only $240. I plugged it in and made a smoothie with it. It did take me a few attempts to return to form. I had to keep reducing the ingredients back to the old levels.


After the first time I made it like I used to I nearly cried.

I'd nearly convinced myself that my self worth wasn't directly tied to how well I made a smoothie. It is, and I make smoothies really well. The Vitamix was not for me. Now every day I get two and a half milkshake cups worth of smoothie for breakfast. Life feels a little less cruel.


Lastly, because I bought the Vitamix from the place that sells 24 packs of croissants in giant trolleys I did have a crack at taking advantage of their "satisfaction guaranteed" refunds policy. Given this entry is a little bit like an advertisement I will garnish it by saying that, unflinchingly, that company was happy to keep their word and after all this adventure they refunded me $550. They only asked why I wasn't satisfied, and I regaled them with the tale above, slightly abridged. They did not ask any follow up questions.

This morning I made yet another perfect smoothie and drank it looking out at the garden. The refund had processed through on my card. 2022 was nearly fucked off into the bin.

Soon I will hopefully just look back at these last twelve months as a horrible mix up.

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